i hate feeling myself change. i hate arguing. i hate crap. this summer better be fucking amazing, thats all i have to say about that. maybe im just immature and dont know what i want from anyone anymore. ha. and here goes 9 months down the drain. :/
welp. things have been going good. i started subway yesterday. it was tough, i didnt know making sandwiches would be so confusing or difficult. hahahaha. but im getting them down. maybe they'll let me do register today. i only work 5-7, two measley hours. oh well.
this taks week has been so boringgg. nothing but sitting around and watching tv with the br0z. and every now and then doing something fun. hahahahaha. i had to be a grown up a couple of days ago. all these chores and whatnot. like getting my car insurance stuff done and getting my phone situated and other stuff like that. ive been making lots of decisions lately. i guess growing up was inevitable, i just thought i had more time. oh well.
me and molly are doing okay. we still lapse occasionally. but i am trying to better myself for her, like im trying to stop looking at the negatives and stuff. i just hope i can get it down and make her happy like i used to before its too late. in the mean time, i enjoy our friendship, and i do still hope we end up together in the end.
ive been realizing stuff about myself. like personal things, psychological things, just lots of stuff. ive decided to become more healthy over the summer. not just losing weight, but like exercising and eating right. next time my mum goes grocery shopping, im going to tag a long and get stuff thats yummy and good for the body. and even just good for the body, and ill start eating that until i like it. i dont plan on being like 130 pounds or anything, just enough to where i can be healthy and live right.
umm, what else. oh yeah, graduation is in about a month. its really scary. and prom is in a week. not so scary, it should be fun. this summer i lose one of my best friends in the world, pretty much. and i lose tons of other friends. i really dont want it to happen, i havent lost good friends since i was in junior high when alot of my old friends had to move because of military shit. sad, really. but we all have to do what we have to do. im selfish, really, i should be happy for my friends moving away to get a better life. so i will be. hmph.
woo. i havent ljed in a while! things are okay. today i get some new shoes. pwnt. and its snowing. in april? wtff. mr gambini. rofl. i love inside jokes. they always crack me up, and everyone else goes WTF?
eh, the love life's going ok. i know she loves me, and probably just needed a break from the crap i was putting her through or whatever, i just hope she comes back to me when her and technosexual are done with their fling or whatever it is. in the meantime, i havent really been talking to girls lately. ive been busy with the fellas. :] i dont need a rebound, and thats what i was lookin for. but nahhh, im all good now. :]
what else is going on. oh my grades are kinda low, in the 70s and stuff. but they are going up, so its all good.
ive lost more weight, im down to 210. :D pretty soon ill have my hawt beaach bod. and i wont be 200 pounds. god why did i let myself get fat? hahaha. i look at my old pictures and videos and stuff, and i was soooo fat. oh well, whatever im doing now seems to be workin, im down from like 250. 40 pounds, niggaz! you cant say im not trying! :D
but yeah, time to get ready and get some shoes. maybe this time i'll get some good ones that dont fall apart.
eh, family drama. everyone gets mad at me nowadays. not that i blame them. but i dont really care anymore, im growing numb to it. so its whatever.
molly and i are getting better, but we still have our lapses. and she didnt really talk to me tonight. but thats okay, i understand.
levi's outta town til saturday, so i really dont have anyone to talk to. well theres raymond, but he usually makes fun of me or says something stupid and irrelevant. and george and i always make jokes, but theres really no talking there unless we are both feeling down and want to spill our guts. hahahaha. i guess its loner moder for the rest of the week (not to be confused with boner mode). rofl. oh well.
im tired of idiots in my classes saying that really hard music is shit like underoath and norma jean. they dont know the meaning of hard music. hahahaha. and i hate when they ask me my favorite band or something, and i tell them,and they go look them up and tell me its the best band in the world. im running out of bullshit bands to tell them. HAHAHAHA. plus im in an independent rawk phase anyway. :p
i love youtube. and schools getting better, though my grades are slipping a bit. i needed a day off yesterday, so i took one.
wtf do people blog about? i want to make an actual one so im not blubbering about my day. i need some substance nigga. ill start reading good blogs and figuring out how to do them. hahahahahaha.
and i started work on another website. i miss tweaking web sites. and since i lost interest in it, i really dont know what i want to do for the rest of my life anymore. ill probably end up with a miserable job anyway.
i thought it would make me happy. it didnt. i thought i could be the same. i couldnt. things wont ever be the same, and the way that i am handling this, things cant work out. im so distraught, and its due to my lack of thinking things out. i shouldve let the notebook get to chapter two. instead of leaving it bookmarked on chapter one. fuck. im a dumb shit.
ay ay ay. today i went to freddyzburg/enchanted rock with molly and her parents. it was pretty fun. and exhausting. :] ive never really been hiking or anything like that, just here in town where we climbed the rock dam and just random boonies. it was so awesome. and the view was greatttt when we got to the top. dang. im never gonna forget that. :D and i experienced it with molly! muahahaha. she has shown me so much. <3
I wonder if you still have cowboy randy on your wall. and i wonder if you still have my old notes under your bed. and i hope you still think of that time i tied your shoe because its times like that i love to love.
and do you remember when we went on a picnic and cut it short so you could go back to school and the wind blew in such a way that you were ever so beautiful well it seems old man wind knows just when to blow
i wonder if you still lay up and think about me like i do you and i wonder if you pull out those old notes and read them and i hope you still wear shoes that need double knots. because its times like this that i want to love.
and do you remember when i ate dinner at your house and i cut it short so i could go home and you followed me out and again the wind blew in such a way that you were ever so beautiful well it seems old man wind knows just when to blow
and he blows at just the right time and your hair flows in perfect time and i remember those moments and think about them all the time and they make me wonder if you'll ever hold my sweaty palms again well, i hope you will --- i've been writing a lot. well. she comes back home today. but i dont know if she is still going to be ignoring me. and i know she reads this. but what else can i do. i spent the last 2 days with close friends. and i still couldnt stop thinking about her. everything reminds me of her. every song makes me think about her. everywhere i look i am constantly reminded of her. i dont know why my brain is making connections. but i cannot quit. and i dont want to. i like thinking of her all the time. i hope she does not ignore me. i hope she knows just how much i want her. if not as a love, then as a friend. a best friend. i hope i dont lose that. i hope i dont lose her.
phew. one day down. i dont think i gave her enough space. but i dont want to completely be erased from her life for a week. so ill just try and stay away just a bit more. other than that, today was just a normal monday. classes were boring. work was done, etc. only thing was the whole break thing. ill be fine though. just 4 more days or so.
last night i had a much needed talk with my mom. it was really, uplifting. she told me the reason she doesnt really help me out with my problems, is because she knows i can deal with them myself. she told me the most she could do is be there for me when i need someone to talk to or cry with. hah. i love my mom. she told me stuff like i was remarkable, and stuff like that. and she pretty much renewed my faith more that i could ever. not just my faith in god and stuff, but my faith in life, and just faith in general. she told me about how when i was little, she knew i would grow up to be something big. and how people would be attracted to the fact that i was laidback. idk about that one, most people give me shit for it. hahaha. she told me she hasnt been sheltering me as much. and shes just trying to let go of me little by little. it was kinda sad. but happy. and needed.
i also finally confided in levi. and in george. i hope it doesnt come back to bite me in the ass. like most people i confide in. i think thats why i have a trust issue. because when i tell some people stuff, they turn around and tell everyone else. even my mom, she'll tell like my whole family, im not talking immediate, im talking like cousins and aunts, and everyone in the world. hahahahaha. oh well.
im gonna try to make some music, or something to get my mind off of stuff.
i was going to kerrville for the day to get my head cleared. and things were actually working out. and then i get pulled over. and then the cop thinks i was gonna like drive off. and then he makes me get out of the car and he is holding his gun in its holster. and at this point im so scared. i didnt cry. i waited till i dropped levi off back home. then i bawled. the whole way home. going 20 miles per hour. hah. what a fucking wake up call.
y0 dawgs. its like the windiest its ever been. everrr. im tired and soreee. dang walks. :D yesterday was fun. but now i must go shower. and slob around the house. maybe nap or somethin. :]
ive been really happy for like this past week. but today i had a lapse. it was an off day. and just everything i did or said pissed someone off in one way or another. and the harder i tried to fix it, the deeper i got into it. i hate when i do that. i did it to my girlfriend, some friends of mine, my parents. i dont know what was up with me today. but. im going to sleep or something. and hope tomorrow is better. hopefully ill have a clean slate with the people i pissed off today. and i can just be happy again. because i was just starting to get used to it again. :]
d00ds0n br00talbr0. today was really good. my girlfriend is amazing. :] and theres still more! EEEEEEE. i wonder what we are doin tonightt.
muahahahaha. --- okay, so tonight was really great. we got all dressed up and got cultured. hahahahaha. we went to the symphony and it was so rad. the violinist JING WANG was like amazing. shredxcore. and then the last little umm idk collection of movements or whatever, pieces i guess, had some drawings by like 5th graders, and some of them were decent. but most of them looked like typical 5th grader paintings. it was cool.
i had a really good day. i just hope on mollys birthday i can do something special like she did for me. im sure ill think of something really neattt. :]
this week hasnt been as bad as i expected it to. today was nice. i dont feel a year older, but who ever does? i am grateful for the people who love me. i didnt get a car like I wanted. even though my parents said they would get me one. but im not making a big deal out of it. they gave me 50 bucks and a beautiful card. and matt got me like 5 bucks and a card. and umm. some of my friends didnt know it was my birthday. but i dont care. levi got me a card and some starburst. sam got me a card and took me out for some ice cream. molly made me the most delicious cheesecake i have ever had. oh my gosh. she also got me some rad books. and made me a wonderful card. i couldnt ask for anything more. i love my closest friends and family. but yeah. today was alright for the most part. it had its ups and downs. but its all good. -- rofl, my grandpa just came over. and my mom had to remind him it was my birthday. nothing like my grandpa forgetting my birthday to make me feel great. :p -- anyway. today i had a sugar high. and crashed. hard. it was not good. i think thats what may have made me feel like doo doo earlier. -- It was in the march of the winter I turned seventeen That I bought those pills I thought I would need And I wrote a letter to my family Said it's not your fault And you've been good to me It's just lately I've been feeling Like I don't belong Like the ground's not mine to walk upon And I've heard that music Echo through the house Where my grandmother drank By herself And I sat watching a flower As it was withering I was embarrassed by its honesty So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face Not this fucking wreck That's taken its place
So please forgive what I have done No you can't stay mad at the setting sun Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually There is nothing left to do but sleep
But spring came bearing sunlight Those persuasive rays So I gave myself a few more days My salvation it came, quite suddenly When Justin spoke very plainly He said "Of course it's your decision, But just so you know, If you decide to leave, Soon I will follow"
I wrote this for a baby Who has yet to be born My brother's first child I hope that womb's not too warm Cause it's cold out here And it'll be quite a shock To breathe this air To discover loss So I'd like to make some changes Before you arrive So when your new eyes meet mine They won't see no lies Just love. Just love.
I will be pure No, no, I know I will be pure Like snow, like gold Like snow, like gold Like snow, like snow Like gold, like gold, like gold
im hooked on that song down there. ive pretty much listened to it nonstop for the past few days. its got me feeling wierd. im happy. but it makes me idk, sad? not really sad. just down. but it makes me happy at the same time. music has a wierd effect on my moods. idk. but, im still a happy dudee. :] i love life more than ever. i live love more than ever. that may make no sense to you. but to me, it makes all the sense in the world. and that's all that matters. tonight im going to hang out with molly at the mall. she's not only the love of my life. but my BEST friend. its the greatest relationship i have ever been involved in, and i hope it doesnt end. the song brings out my inner self as well. and it makes me want to be artsy too. but i cant. im not good at stuff like that. so i just listen. and imagine i am. and im fine with that. one day, though, ill find my medium, and my muse. and i think thats a major part of my journey through life. to find my medium and muse. if not in the literal sense, then in the figurative one. and when it happens, i will be the happiest boy in the world. and everything will be okay. and i wont be sad ever again. and no one will be sad ever again. thats another thing i want. happiness for everyone. maybe i want that too much. maybe not. but for now, ill be content with what ive got. and let me tell you, its way easy to be content with it. :]
this song made me cry. im such a pansy. its so sad, though. im so glad, though, that i can cry nowadays. i dont do it alot like i did a few weeks ago, but still, i literally went like 2 or 3 years without crying. and now that i can, it feels good. i dont know, dont make fun of me for it. hahahahaha. im such a wimp. listen to the song. and read the lyrics. and tell me you dont feel anything. its so sadd. :[
Golden rod and the 4-H stone The things I brought you When I found out you had cancer of the bone Your father cried on the telephone And he drove his car to the Navy yard Just to prove that he was sorry In the morning through the window shade When the light pressed up against your shoulder blade I could see what you were reading Oh the glory that the lord has made And the complications you could do without When I kissed you on the mouth Tuesday night at the bible study We lift our hands and pray over your body But nothing ever happens I remember at Michael's house In the living room when you kissed my neck And I almost touched your blouse In the morning at the top of the stairs When your father found out what we did that night And you told me you were scared Oh the glory when you ran outside With your shirt tucked in and your shoes untied And you told me not to follow you Sunday night when I cleaned the house I find the card where you wrote it out With the pictures of your mother On the floor at the great divide With my shirt tucked in and my shoes untied I am crying in the bathroom In the morning when you finally go And the nurse runs in with her head hung low And the cardinal hits the window In the morning in the winter shade On the first of March on the holiday I thought I saw you breathing Oh the glory that the lord has made And the complications when I see his face In the morning in the window Oh the glory when he took our place But he took my shoulders and he shook my face And he takes and he takes and he takes --- this song makes me not want to take any of my friends for granted. fuck, i miss everyone. :[ anyway, im going to bed now. i had a good day today. the snow day was nice. i spent most of it with a loved one. couldnt ask for anything better. my life is going well.
ahh i just got done finalizing my new music profile. hahahaha. im so wierd. the musics kinda out there. but i like it. i guess that makes me wierd. :] --- 5:15 I slept a total of 2 hours and i feel completely energized. i think its cuz i took that bomb ass nap earlier or somethin. but im gonna try and go back to sleep until about 10 or so. because i cant last a whole day on 2 hours. so goodnight, part 2. oh wait i never gave a part one. i just cant sleep. its so wierd. kthxbai.
My horoscope: Things that used to be difficult for you are getting a lot easier -- like letting go of people who are not good for you. Today you will be able to effortlessly turn away from some insincere and disreputable people in your life -- and never look back again, no matter what the consequences are. If you are negotiating among friends, don't try to anticipate how other people will react. Just focus on you and that other person. What other people think is not important at all.
Fixed ideas are helpful. Just don't let them stop you from experimenting with other ways of thinking. You may just end up coming back to the old ones, but at least you'll know why you believe what you do.
wierd. it actually applies to me. i've been put in both of these situations already.
last night, i turned away levi when he wanted to go to a party. its was something i did not want to do, but im really done with partying and whatnot. im proud of myself for it. but at the same time, i feel like im losing friends for it. it's whatever, though.
this summer is going to be really wierd. sams going away for a while. levis moving away, as well as countless other friends. im stuck here because there's no way i can go to any college i want. im stuck going to ASU. im stuck in san angelo. im afraid ill get too rooted.
but, i may move out this summer. though i probably wont, its tough finding a roommate. but im dying to move out. or get my car. or something. its not like i hate it at home. i love it. i just want to be on my own. i want to be able to make my own decisions. and drive myself to places without having to worry about taking the truck back at a certain time. i want to invite friends over for a movie or video games and not have to be quiet as a mouseee. :]
idk, im just eager to grow up, i suppose. on one hand, im so excited, i can hardly wait. on the other, im nervous, im scared. i guess these are normal feelings for seniors to have. how wierd.
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err_randy's journal
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